Me: (Dazed and foggy headed, the scene
before me begins to unfold. My eyes are slightly clouded over at first and then
I begin to make out the silhouettesaround me. Men I have never seen before. I’m
aware of myself yet at the same time completely detached…)
Me: (Thinking) Wait a minute… Am I
dead? Who arethese people? Where are they taking me?! Oh shit, where are my
clothes?! What this thingI’m wearing??! …And where the hell ismy family?!
(In the background, I hear the sound of women weeping.)
Oh shit!! I watch as I’m being dragged off roughly and quickly by
‘them’, although still, I feel nothing.
Me: “Hey watch it! Take it easy! You
are not moving a trash bag you idiots! Why are you guys in such a rush?!”Clearly
they cannot hear me and continue as though I had said nothing.
Me:(Thinking) Well this is fantastic. I
obviously am dead. I would’ve expected to be met with a slightly more enduring
reception than this shit.
Seeing my Motherand sister crying, my heart sinks in my chest, having no
idea how to console them. Then I turn to look for my brother.I see him, neither
crying nor assisting the other men carrying me,but talking, nonchalantly, on
his cell phone! And if that’s not enough, he is sporting a slight smirk on his
face too!
Me: (Thinking) What on earth is going
on? You Dickhead! I’m obviously dead and you carrying on like its just another
day at the office! Goddamn my brother has always been the world’s biggest
asshole!
Fuck, he is probably happy because now he can go back and look through
all my things at home… Oh no! My computer! I didn’t set the password yet! Oh no
please, if there is a God, please bring me back to life long enough to set the
password! Lol! Yeah right… damnit.
We arrive at the local graveyard…
A bearded man in the graveyard:(Praying
while watchingthe men take me to my grave) “Oh God make this mans’ grave as a garden
from heaven and notas a hole from hell. Selah.”
Me: (Thinking) Oh for fuck sakes! These
crazy damn religious people! I’ve been constantly surrounded by them, even
after my death! Leave me the fuck alone! I mean, who is this guy anyway? I’ve
never even seen him before but he is praying for me!
I hear the sound again of my family crying (minus my dumbass brother of course).
The bearded man :(To my Mother & Sister) No
no don’t cry! Don’t you know that the dead are tortured by the crying of his
family as the prophet said!?
They look back at him guiltily and bewildered.
Me: (Angry) Let them cry you dickhead!!
Can’t u at least let me enjoy seeing them cry over me? Are they shedding tears
from their eyes or from yours?!
The bearded man:(To my Mother & Sister)And
don’t you know, sisters, that the Prophetsteachings prevent women from joining
funeral processions? That’s haram
sisters….(blahblah blah)
Me: (Furious)Let them you asshole! They
should be allowed to mourn me at my death! Fuck you and fuck your prophets
teachings!!
The men lift me up to put me in the grave.
(Thinking) Wow! I never imagined the day I’d look at the inside of a
casket. Oh crap they are closing it!
“Hey guys! Seriously, don’t let me alone here! Can’t you at least leave
me a torch or a candle or something? Not that it will help though, hahaha…. HEY
GUYS!” Clearly they not hearing me, damn.
They left. I am alone in the grave now.
(Thinking)So this is death? Ugh this is so boring. Its’ probably been
like 2 hours now I guess and nothing is happening. Suddenly, there’s some
strange light and 2 silhouettes of men emerge. They are all in black. One of
them is very fat the other one is very skinny and both are bald with black
shirts.
The bigger one steps forward, pulls me out and shoves me aside,
obviously in an attempt to get me to sit down.
Me: (To the fat guy) Watch it dude I’m
not wearinganything under this thing so take it easy or you going to get a
fabulous view of my package, and trust me, you do not want to bruise your ego
like that! Who are you anyway?
The Fat Dude :We are the Angels Monkar and
Nakeer. We have come to give you The GRAVE Test! You should know about it.
Me: Oh yes! This is the Two Angel Test
everybody refers too?
The Fat, um, Angel: Yes! At least you are not as
stupid as you look.
Me: Oh thank you, you are too kind. Soseeing
as I’m taking a test, surely you going to let me study for it Dude? I mean,
that’s generally what happens before a test you know.
The Fat Angel: Shut the fuck up! Youhave
got to be kidding me?! This is not school, you’re dead dumbass.
And now, I am going to ask you the first question. Who is your …..
Me: (Loudly interrupting the incredibly
annoying Fat Angel) No no! Excuse me, before you continue, I wanna know, which
one of you is Monkar and which one is Nakeer?
The Fat Angel: (Looking slightly amused)And
that mattersto you?
Me: Yea it does actually. I’d like to
at least know who is addressing me.
The Fat Angel: Ok then, I am Nakeer and he
(pointing to the other Angel standing to his left)is Monkar. Happy now?
Me: So if you are Nakeer, whydid you
say his name first in your introduction?
Surely you should sayyour name first? That would seem more logical, because, as
you know,these issues are so important to…..
Nakeer (The Fat Angel): SHUT UP
already!!blahblahblah, I got your point!!! You sound like a never-ending record
player!
Me: (Smiling with satisfaction) Ok Dude,
go ahead I’m listening.
Nakeer: Fucking finally. Now, I am going to ask you a very, very
important question. You will answer swiftly with no further interruptions.
Who is your G………
Me: (Loudly interrupting, again) Excuse
me! Excuse me! This is also very important! I need to understand here, this is
the Two Angel Test, so, shouldn’t Two Angels, namely you two, be asking the
questions? But up until now I only see you (pointing at Nakeer) doing all the
talking and asking, while Monkar has not said a word so far. Surely then this
should be called the One Angel Test?
Monkar (The Skinny Angel): Hey, he has a
point man!
Me: Let’s be honest here, from the
first moment you guys arrived its clear he (pointing at Nakeer) is the Dominant
of the two of you, so much so that you have not said a word (addressing
Monkar). Is this about size or what?
Monkar: (Looking slightly embarrassed) No way it’s not
aboutsize! I’m gonna ask you too!
Nakeer: (Looking nothing short of furious)
What?! Are you actually going to listen to this asshole!?
Monkar: (Returning the look of annoyance)
Yes actually!It is called the Two Angel Test, so, as long as I am the other
angel, I have the right to ask him the questions too!
Nakeer: Oh so you that easily swayed by a
mere mortal huh? That’s weak Monkar!
Monkar: What?! I’m not weak! I can make my
own choices! And that has nothing to do with this mortal. However, I’m deciding
now that he has a point. I’m sick and tired of you treating me like your bitch!
You are actuallytaking advantage because
of your size, Fatso!So you know what? I am going tobe asking the questions this
time!
Then Nakeer pushes Monkar away shouting: Piss OffMonkar! I am finishing
MY questions! Now, first question, who is your…
Suddenly, Monkar throws a very hard punch atNakeers’ fat face landing
square on his nose! Then,Nakeer assaults him back wrestling him to groundwhere
they continue their fight in the most awkward possible manner,kicking up dust
and gravel and making a hell of a damn mess on my very humble grave, as I watch
in utter amusement, keen to see who was going to win. Nakeer might have the
size advantage, sure, but Monkar has more endurance. However I can’t help but
compare them with something like two angry but cowardly rats trying to, um, paw
at each other’s faces! An absolutely comical sight! I sit back and watch the
show for what seems like an hour thinking how well a box of popcorn would’ve
gone with this. I wonder if there is popcorn in heaven…
Nakeer: (Out of breath) Ok fine!Lets just
both ask the damn questions this time, I’ve got better things to do!
Monkar:(Struggling to hide the pleased look
on his face) Well so do I! So let’s finish this.
Me:(Smiling comically) Great! So, I’m going
to count from one to three, on three, you both start asking, ok?
Monkar and Nakeer:Ok!
Me: 1 ……… 2……..3GO !!
Monkar and Nakeer:WHO IS YOUR GOD?!
Me: He said it before you! (addressing Monkar
while pointing at Nakeer)
Monkar: (Spiting with anger) Again! You God
damn Son of Bitch! I’m gonna kick your ass!
. And with that they start fighting again, butthis time throwing punches
at eachother!
Then, came a great, booming voice came from the sky … Its Allah!!!
Allah:You MOTHER FUCKERS!!!! You take all
this time just to question this one insignificant guy!! Come on, kick his ass,
then show him his place in hell then come back immediately. I am going to
punish you assholes later!!
Me: (Talking to Nakeer) Nooooooooo!!!
What did he mean by that dude? What are you going to do to me?
Nakeer: (Looking annoyed) Geez don’t you
know anything dude?It’s just the usual procedures. We will hit you on your head
with the hammer then the grave will close tightly around your body squeezing
you until your rips break. Then the bald Snake is going to come to get you.
Me: Oh my Gosh!!! The Hammer and The
Snake! They are real!!!
Then, Nakeer, holding the huge hammer and comes toward me, ready to
smash my skull in.
Me: (Talking to Nakeer) Excuse me!Are You
going to be the one who will hit me and then Monkar will bring the Snake or do
you think Monkar should hit me and you bring the Snake?
And,with that Monkar assaults Nakeer again trying
to take the hammer from him! And so another glorious round of fighting begins!
Welcome, Mother Fuckers, to The After Life.
The end.
Kiss my Ass.
-ِِ ِAhmed Outsider ( Ahmed Abdellahy )
Translated and edited by Tamarisike Meaker
